Coffee and Chat: Ayse Lives in Norway

We are sitting at one of the small tables of the shabby but charming Fishermen’s Café (Balikcilar Kahvesi) at Gundogan marina in Bodrum. We are gazing at the stunning view. It is sunny, but cool. It is not winter anymore, but not quite spring either. Even though it gives a bit of a shiver, we deeply inhale the sea breeze, because we fantasize about these moments when we are in the hustle and bustle of Istanbul.

The condensed fierce energy in the form of a petite woman with me is my sister Ayse Erbulak. She has recently celebrated her 60^th birthday, but looks 40. Our mother is the same, we have different fathers. Her father Altan Erbulak was an artist; actor, writer, caricature artist, photographer, journalist, etc. My father on the other hand was a naval officer and is an electronics engineer. We have taken after our fathers, making us very different from each other. However, we are connected by a bond of deep love, that transcends the dissemblance, that even transforms it into a source of enrichment.

Ayse has lived many lives and it would be best to leave it to her to write her own life story, as she is a writer. She writes crime novels. Moreover, a Dutch writer, who is her friend from youth, even wrote a book about her, called “Ayse”, that has been recently published in Holland!

Once, I sat down and prepared a list of the vocations with which she made a living, the list length was 18. Probably a couple more entries have been added since then. Amongst various titles she carried are journalist, pageant, fair and runway show organizer, actress, standup comedian, entrepreneur, café owner, VIP tour guide, translator… Lately, most of her time is spent in Erbulak Evi, the creative writing and acting school, that she founded 3 years ago with her son and husband.

I have carefully selected the topic of our chat, from many alternatives. Leaving other options for future chats, today we are going to talk about how to adapt to a foreign environment. The reason I chose this topic is that Ayse lived 11 years in Norway, where she went when she was 42 years old, leaving behind a career in media. She married a Norwegian guy and lived in the country at a tiny village called Stjordal. After she lost her husband to pancreatic cancer, Ayse handed over her successful startup Smile Café to the ladies that worked there and returned to Istanbul. I visited her in Norway many times and she came to Istanbul often with Norwegian friends and relatives to stay with us. What never stopped amazing me is that, I have never seen a person adapt so well in a foreign environment. In fact, I have personally experienced that her Norwegian family and friends treat her as one of them! We could not walk 10 meters at the short Stjordal main street or at the mall without people, who know her, stopping us to say hello and chit chat. It was quite fascinating to watch tall, blond, reserved Norwegians, bending down a bit to hug this tiny brunette. I will go as far as to say that, it seemed to mee, more people knew her and communicated to her than her Norwegian husband.

Her environment in Norway was totally the opposite of what she is used to. She went:

• To a different language and culture,
• From a metropolitan city, to a tiny village out in the country with no theater, concerts or movies close by,
• From four seasons to year around winter weather and completely dark winter months,
• From working in the media, to first working at the Trondheim airport then setting up her own Café (Smile Café)
• From living with only with her son to being surrounded by a big family of her husband’s children, grandchildren and relatives,
• From living in a well-organized apartment complex, to living in and fully taking care of a huge house beside a fjord.

Yet, she never complained except for well-timed trips to Turkey in January to see daylight. She learnt Norwegian, finished a university in hospitality, played in an amateur theater (in Norwegian!) and created a successful Café from scratch, all in her 40’s and early 50’s. Even though she has been living in Istanbul for 7 years now and she has since remarried, she is still regularly invited to important occasions of her Norwegian family and friends.

I thought there is value in sharing Ayse’s wisdom on “how to adapt to a foreign environment” with humanity! To tell the truth, I am very curious about how she did it myself. So here we are in Bodrum about to start our Coffee and Chat, prior to a nice walk in the scenic Gundogan shore.

What was the most difficult part of the adaptation process for you?

“Adapting to living in a foreign country in general is difficult. But the hardest for me was trying to understand and to decode their rules.”

How did you cope?

“I made it fun. For example, when I was learning the language I read Norwegian children’s books with lots of pictures and watched movies in English but with Norwegian subtitles.

I enlisted the children in the family to help me learn. When you communicate with children via body language, they teach you the language.

After 2 weeks of arriving, I understood that English is not enough and I would not be able to do anything without learning the language. Therefore, I immediately started language school, although Norwegian is quite hard to learn.”

How would you define Norwegians in a couple of words?

“As honest and shy.”

The other Turks living there did not seem to adapt as well as you did. What did you do differently?

“The Turks living there want to bring their own customs, education, culture, way of thinking and foundation with them.

I thought about what I would expect of someone moving into my neighborhood. I realized that to adapt and be happy, I am obliged to become like them. I must play the game with their rules.

For example, when I opened a café I did not serve Turkish food. It was Norwegian food. On special occasions, we served some Turkish food adapted to the Norwegian palate.

In summary, I learned, accepted and implemented all Norwegian rules and customs, but I brought some additional Turkish qualities to the table, such as Turkish hospitality, good service and smiling a lot.”

What were the hardest things for you to adapt to?

“I missed the signs of hospitality that we are used to in Turkey, such as greeting guests at the door, inviting them to come and sit down. In the beginning, not having these cues that I am accustomed to, I felt as if I am not wanted. Of course, this was not true, because Norwegians are very honest people, they would invite you only when they want to be with you. Each culture has unwritten social rules and different ways of expressing the same concept. So how people express hospitality or acceptance can be different in another country.

Additionally, it was difficult to learn the language, because of my age. But when I was confronted with the fact that it is a must, I devoted myself to learning it. I think the key thing is not to resist the reality and embrace it for what it is.”

You did not seem to have many Turkish friends in Norway, why?

“I understood how special it is to have been raised in Istanbul, when I went to live abroad. Growing up in Istanbul, being nourished by its diversity is important.

Most of the Turks in Norway are there because they want to benefit from their social system. We do not share the same cultural norms, so I did not have many Turkish friends in Norway.”

What do you miss from Norway?

“I miss the courtesy, everybody waiting in line patiently and politely, the respect for other people, their knowing how to share the same situation with other people. They obey rules. I miss the structure, the system, the order.”

Why did you set up a business (the Café) in Norway, you were doing fine working at the airport? Why the risk?

“I needed a new challenge, something fresh to engage with. Building a startup from scratch is an extremely difficult thing to do in Norway, because of the taxes, regulation and rigid rules. It was a huge achievement on my part, I am proud that the café still lives.”

What did you learn from building a business in Norway?

“I learned the art of honest trade. Utilizing the experience, I accumulated in Norway, I was able to be successful in business here. I learned from my mistakes and building on this knowhow I founded Erbulak Evi.”

What did you have conflict over in Norway?

“The Turkish people that went to Norway really exploited the Norwegian system very much. Norwegians I came into contact were prejudiced about Turks, they thought of Turks as people living parasitically on taxes they pay. I had to put a lot of effort in explaining that most of the Turks are not like that at all. I argued telling about the agriculture, the industry, the history, the tourism, etc. in Turkey.”

What was your mistake?

“I was late to set up a business. I think it was a mistake to open the café after 8 years in Norway, I should have opened it after the first year. It was a tremendously satisfying experience.

Looking back, I regret not having set up a business on Turkish textile and leather. It could have been a great opportunity.”

What would you recommend people going abroad to live?

“I believe it is a mistake to go abroad to run away from your country. You should go for the right reasons. It is extremely challenging to take root in a foreign country.

The golden rule is to be like a chameleon (Turkish is bukalemun) and let yourself change to match your surroundings.

One should try to integrate to the life of the country joining some activities. Do not build a closed community!

My artistic side came very handy in Norway. Acting at the theater was something I did for myself and through the theater I made many friends and I became part of a community. Joining the theater was the turning point for me. Theater is done in Turkey with jealousy and envy in the background. It was totally the opposite in Norway. I felt accepted and supported. That gave me a lot of momentum.”

How did you manage the relationships with your Norwegian family?

“I could not manage it, until I learned Norwegian. Norwegians are very shy people and they avoid talking English. But once I learned the language, I felt I became a part of the society.”

Which Norwegian customs do you admire?

“The whole family comes together in Christmas and Easter, no matter what. They sincerely put in effort to keep this tradition alive. It is not fake. Also christenings, confirmations, weddings and even funerals are beautiful and humane ceremonies. I really admire and agree with their social ceremonies.”

As soon as Ayse says this, I automatically stop listening and my attention reverts inward. I think of dear Willy, her husband we lost to cancer at a young age. The tall, huge Viking man we all loved. Like a saint-bernard contradictory with his size, he was such a calm, nice and trustworthy person. We spent a lot of time with him. They stayed several weeks every year at my house when they visited Istanbul. Sometimes they brought Willy’s young son, his sister and brother-in-law or his father and mother, all of whom became relatives for us. We went to Norway with my husband several times. He patiently drove us days to various beautiful places, while we tried to take care of and manage the whims of my son who was then very young. Willy liked me very much, because I always tried to speak English when he is around and I warned everyone else not to speak Turkish so that he could understand. He called me his “favorite sister”.

The last time I went to Norway was sadly for his funeral. We went with my husband. No one else could make it from Turkey. We hugged each other with his relatives and cried before the church ceremony. My sister requested me to give the funeral speech, she said she can’t speak. When I was standing in front of the guests, looking at my grief stricken sister sitting in the front row, I searched hard for words to say. The first sentence that came was “Willy was like water, he was transparent, he was pure….”

In the evening, there was a beautiful reception, everyone was nicely dressed, good food was served, there was a huge picture of him in the front. One by one friends and family shared their happy memories with him.

I silently agreed with my sister that Norwegian ceremonies are beautiful because they honor the experience of being human. Thinking of the funeral my eyes start burning with imminent tears. I feel that it is not just Ayse that has become one with this beautiful country and these shy people. Through her, I also have too.

I clear the knot in my throat and try to divert my attention to what my sister is saying out of respect for her current husband who is patiently waiting for us to finish our chat and whom we also love very much. Life has different chapters, thankfully she is in a happy chapter again.

Why did you return to Turkey?

“After my husband died, I felt lonely. Although I have an incredibly strong bond to Norway, I did not feel I fully belonged there.”

Sometimes I believe that Willy chose to leave this world to do one last thing for my sister: set her free so that she could peacefully return to her country. We missed her a lot and she missed her son and family in Istanbul very much.

What did you gain from living in Norway?

“I learned the importance of working to buy yourself quality time, as opposed to working for a high standard of living like we did in Istanbul. I truly understood that, you must first treat yourself well to be able to take care of other people. I learned the rules of putting yourself first in Norway and implemented it there. This is not egoism, this is the golden rule of life.”

What would you ask yourself if you were me?

“I would ask “Would you go back to Norway to live?”

I will keep visiting Norway as long as I live, but will not fully live there. My invisible bond to Norway, pulls me back about every 10 to 12 months. I feel I am a part of Norway but at the same time don’t belong there. It is a contradiction. All my childhood, youth and early adulthood was spent in Istanbul which is a huge metropolis. However, if I would have gone to Norway in my 20’s, I probably would have stayed there.”

What is your dream?

“I guess life is about contradiction. I want to retire and have a quiet life, but at the same time I want to work a lot and produce many projects at Erbulak Evi. I dream of handing Erbulak Evi to future generations. I want to hold my family together and buy quality-time with them.”

That was the last question. I gather my note papers, so that we can have our picture taken. Then we are free to go for a relaxing walk by the sea. I am thinking of what the title of our Coffee and Chat should be. Suddenly I remember the Aysecik childrens’ book series we all read about a hundred of when we were kids. Aysecik (also meaning little Ayse) had many adventures. Each book was named after one of her adventures, for example “Aysecik and little ducks”, “Aysecik goes swimming”, “Aysecik at the small village”, “Aysecik travels”, …

As I get up, I know what the title will be: “Ayse lives in Norway!”. This implies that there will be future adventures to be read about.